Confessions of a Mom Who Didn’t Like Motherhood

I never wanted to be a full-time mom. I never thought it would break my heart to leave for work in the morning.

But it does now.

My son wasn’t even two months old when I returned to the workforce. I stayed home as long as we could afford it. I dreaded going back to work. I didn’t think my husband would be as affectionate and intuitive a parent as me. But I put on my big girl pants and I got up for work. And I didn’t even cry. Nope. I thought I would, but it was easier to just be away and busy and back in the grind. Easier than I thought anyway.

I just wasn’t one of those moms, I thought, one of those moms who can stay home. I didn’t have the choice, anyway, even if I wanted it. My husband was pastoring a church on a stipend at the time, and my income was most of what we lived on. So I didn’t entertain staying home.

Plus, when I was 20, I met a mom with a Master’s degree, and I decided right then, I would be one of those moms. Educated with a world wide open to me. I wanted to make my kids proud. So I had to work, right?

The nights and weekends I spent with my son only proved to me I didn’t know what I was doing. That me going to work every day was probably the best choice for him and for me. Because clearly I was educated in Social Work, not parenting. I should just stick to making my son proud with my career since my parenting wasn’t going to win any awards.

Besides, I was fortunate. My son spent his days in the care of my husband, his dad, who is an amazing parent. He’s creative and knows how to redirect and distract John while I would rather bark out orders and expect obedience. Josh might also be a more fun parent than me because he knows how to wrestle.

To be honest, my overall experience with parenting was more frustration than pleasure, more incompetence and irritation than enjoyment. I wanted to like being a mom, but I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. So I yelled. And then John got scared of me, at least some of the time. It was horrible. I hated that look on his face.

So I did something about it. On July 3 this year, I accepted the Orange Rhino challenge to Not Yell For 365 Days, and I wrote about it so you could keep me accountable. I failed a few times, and had to start over. But at least I told you about it, right?

Not yelling, or yelling much less, transformed me. I developed creativity. I felt a new patience and affection for my son growing in me. I couldn’t believe it. Taking out the option of yelling forced me to do things differently, better.

I started to like motherhood. I started to like my son more. I started to wonder if maybe I could do this mom thing. I thought I might just be able to educate him and love him and play with him and maybe we could still like each other at the end of the day. Maybe I wouldn’t have to tuck him in every night with apologies.

And I realized the Master’s degree didn’t really matter that much. After all, kids don’t want to be impressed with you as much as they want to be with you.

When I got pregnant a few months ago, a new reality hit me. I would be a mom of two. My husband, a full-time pastor, would be simultaneously juggling full-time parenthood of two children plus running a church. How would we survive it?

I needed to do something. This realization hit me at just the perfect time. A few months before, I would’ve felt too incompetent to stay home. My job was an escape into my expertise. So I’ve decided to take this mom thing and this writing thing seriously. We are going to buckle down and see what happens.

I’ve got plans to stay home, raise my kids and do what I love. And I’ll be making an exciting announcement related to this in the next couple weeks. Don’t worry: I’m not going to ask you to join my home business or anything. But I definitely hope you’ll join me on this journey.

But can we celebrate this for a moment? I’m a mom who wants to be a mom. I don’t feel angry and incompetent anymore. I like motherhood. This is a stand-up-and-cheer moment for me. 

I can’t tell you how good it feels not to live with the regret of parenting from frustration instead of intention, reacting instead of responding? Goodness knows I don’t do this perfectly, but I am improving. I’m growing. And I’m doing it on purpose. I’m living proof anyone can change.

Let’s get excited together. Tell me your favorite thing about parenting in the comments below.

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