{Today I’m a guest over at Megan Bowker’s blog, where she’s participating in The Nester’s #31Days of Remembrance. Megan’s been writing daily about things in her life she’s grateful for – it turns out there’s a lot. I’m honored to share a time in my life when a great need of mine collided with God’s infinite provision. It’s a fun story – want to hear? Well, here we go.}

It only took me nine months to figure it out: full-time ministry was not for me. I didn’t like the feeling of always being “on”, and raising my own support team never stopped intimidating me.

Most of all, I hated being a professional Christian. Getting paid to promote Jesus and develop “intentional relationships” felt fraudulent to me. I wondered if people I met looked at me suspiciously, thinking, “Well, of course you like Jesus. You get paid to like him.”

This is pretty much how I felt somedays.

So after nine months, I prayed a resignation prayer and hoped God would accept. I knew I was risking becoming a less-effective Christian because powerful Christians who really want to serve God go into full-time ministry and selfish, scared Christians who don’t like support-raising get predictable day jobs. Or so I thought.

Despite this conviction, I was miserable enough to ask anyway. I knew God called us to things we really didn’t want to do, but I hoped and prayed he would let me out. I just wanted to be normal. A regular person with a regular job whose life had been radically transformed by Jesus.

Through an agonizing wrestling match in which I profusely apologized to heaven for being weak-hearted, God pulled back the weird, little Christian lie I believed, that being a Jesus follower for a living was the highest calling. I realized my assignment for this season was to be embedded in the world with everyone else. Where the people didn’t know Jesus yet, and they wouldn’t end up in a church on Sundays, but they would hear about him because of me.

This new trajectory moved my heart with passion. With it came the peace to leave full-time ministry. But I had no idea where to go next. In a week, I would have no job, no house, and my financial support would end.

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